How to Make (Life) Decisions and Minimize Regrets
When the pandemic struck New York earlier this year, I was in the dorm struggling whether to flee back to Taiwan or stay in the States to finish my studies. Many of my friends and classmates chose the former without hesitation, frantically packing while checking and booking the flight tickets. They were fully-geared: goggles, protective coveralls, sanitizers, masks, and a determined mind to restrict drinking/eating anything and visiting the bathroom during the 20-hour flight.
Watching them leaving one by one was unsettling, especially when my roommate flew back to her home two weeks after she vowed to stay, leaving me with another girl in a 5-unit suite. The vexation and loneliness were even amplified when the school announced virtual classes for the remaining two months of Spring 2020 — and the semesters onward until further notice.
“Why am I still here…” I cried on a video call to my dad, who was in Oklahoma at that time, “I want to leave too!”
But here I am. Still in New York City, safe and sound, and just finished my thesis.
What about my friends and classmates having fled to their homes? Some are happy with their decision, feeling blessed to gather with their loved ones. But some also regret it.
“I’m SO EXHAUSTED!” Those taking afternoon classes from Taiwan broke out.
“I’m still paying for the rent……” Some of my friends sighed, who flew before successfully subletting their rooms.
“My supervisor said I need to get my Social Security Number (SSN) to continue working/getting paid, but I can’t because I’m not in the States. Now I am unemployed……” A friend who just landed an on-campus job and left before applying for her SSN grieved on the other side of the phone.
“Have you regretted staying?” People ask. Well, maybe, because New York is less fun with limited in-door dining options and exhibitions. But there are more crucial considerations that override the mild disappointment.
This is why I use “minimize regrets” in the title — I believe few (critical) decisions can be made without trade-offs.
So how did I decide to leave or stay? Here is the table I created to facilitate the thinking process:
Our brain is primed to think, not memorize information. Some people are capable of juggling the two types of tasks in their mind without getting lost, but I am not one of them, especially when faced with stress and big decisions like this. Visualizing the considerations frees up the cognitive capacity to think through.
How to Effectively Use the Table
There are tons of ways to visualize thinking. However you do it, there are two essential elements I think help make decisions with minimized regrets.
List ALL the rational/practical/pivotal considerations and irrational/impractical/trivial ones for each possible decision.
As in the table, I listed both rational and emotional pros and cons for respective options. I also highlighted in red the considerations that are pivotal for me. As an international student with a tight budget, the pivots are basically anything costing (unreasonably) a large amount of labor and money.
In other words, the considerations essentially align with personal values and depend on the context. That is why the cons of one option and the pros of the other are sometimes the two sides of a coin.
Thinking about the cons and possible solutions, particularly, also involves “prospective hindsight”. To put it simply, prospective hindsight is to think ahead of a scenario to prevent or prepare for unwanted outcomes. For instance, if I leave the States, everything my friends or classmates secured in my room will have to go somewhere else. Therefore, I will need to contact them and see how they want to arrange their belongings.
I recommend setting a block of time to do this task privately. COMPLETE HONESTY to ourselves is crucial here. It is as crucial as the steering wheel to any vehicle — the other essential element of the practice depends on what is listed.
Weigh the pros and cons — RATIONALLY!
I know how gravitating irrational/impractical/trivial considerations can be — but these are often the ones that trip us. Think about the clothes bought in sales that have lain in the corner of the wardrobe for months — even years. Or the household appliances that we thought would be handy someday but hardly have. The bargain and surface practicality overwhelmed our ration.
A good strategy to circumvent the trap is to prioritize rational/practical/pivotal considerations. In this case of choosing to leave or stay, what I did was situating myself in either option, imagining what would happen or how I would feel if I opted for one of them. This is particularly useful when the options seem almost equally preferable.
A good friend of mine was a Fulbright scholar in New York, who tried using the table to solve the same dilemma. After pondering for a couple of days, she decided to fly back to Taiwan. Two weeks after returning to her family, she called to let out her regret.
“God…my mom’s such a nag! I wish I had thought things through……”
“Didn’t you go over all the rational/irrational considerations?”
“I did, but I think I either forgot how annoying my mom is or underestimated the annoyance.”
“Um, I guess panic still took the charge at that time?”
“Yes……”
I hope this anecdote has emphasized the importance of prioritizing ration when making decisions.
Since I have decided to stay in NYC, the next thing to consider was whether to move out of the dorm before or after my last semester (Fall 2020) ends, as listed in my table. This decision concerned the on-campus housing policy, a projected spike in COVID cases in the winter, and the logistics related to moving. Given the complexity, I supplemented the table with a flow diagram to visualize the outcomes for either decision (i.e. exercising prospective hindsight).
Given the length of this article, I may write another on this decision-making process, if anyone is interested.
